nerf-gun-russian-roulette:

FALL/WINTER GIVEAWAY!!
Giveaway Includes…
•Iron man 3 DVD
•Imagine dragons - Night visions cd
•One direction - Take me home cd
•City and colour -Little hell cd
•Nirvana - In Utero deluxe edition cd
•Macklemore and Ryan Lewis - The Heist cd
•Avicii - True cd
•Frank Ocean - Channel orange cd
•Miley Cyrus - Bangerz deluxe edition cd
•The weekend - Kiss land cd
•Mumford and sons - Babel cd
•passenger - All the little lights cd
• The Great Gatsby deluxe edition soundtrack
•Drake -Nothing was the same cd
•Sephora draw the line eyeliner sampler, includes 6 different eyeliners (pencil, liquid)
•Viva la juicy noir roller ball perfume. Double ended, double the smells
•EOS hand lotion
•EOS summer fruit lip balm
•EOS blueberry acai lip balm
•Victoria secret ‘such a flirt’ perfume
•NARS blush
• Smashbox BB cream, light-medium
•Albeit lipstick, ruby red
•Tribal print audiology earphones
•Holga iPhone case and lens
•Spribg, arrow earrings
•American eagle, ‘xxoo’ earrings
•6 pair call it spring earring set
•3 pair call it spring earring set
•Hand of Fatima necklace
•Arrow earring and cuff
•Guess bow necklace
•Internet and password logbook.(you know you need it!)
•6 poppin colored gel pens
•Ryan gosling ‘hey girl’ journal
•Glamour kills sweat shirt, no hood. ‘Open your eyes and hold on tight large
•Glamour kills hoodie. ‘Was lost, but now I am found, keep breathing keep loving’ x-large
•Neff beanie/ toque. White
•Coal beanie/ toque. Red and white

*Rules are as follows*
-Must be following me (nerf-gun-russian-roulette.tumblr.com)

- You can reblog until your heart contents

-Likes do not count, but feel free to like it as a book mark

-Please do not delete the text

-Plus everything is free so why not.

- Will ship for free, to anywhere in the world!

-Giveaway will end on December 4th winner will be notified the same day as draw

- Using a random generator to determine the winner

-If you have any questions or such, feel free to ask!!!
GOOD LUCK!!

Tonight i fell so unbelievably in love with you all over again like the first time you told me you loved me in Key Biscayne. Today i remembered why i spent a year and some odd months trying to justify why i chose to stuck with you. Today i learned that as much as being single and living the life is fun, so is going home to someone you truly can talk to and have a normal conversation with. Today i gave away the side of me that told me i needed to be alone to have fun and be happy. Today i saw you for who you were: the only person in this entire world who loves me more than i could ever possibly love myself. I could never part with you, because i know i would be completely heart broken. And as much as this is corny, i want to spend the rest of my entire living life making you the happiest man in the world. I don’t want nor need anyone else but you and i learned that tonight. I can’t explain why, i can’t explain when, or how or what caused this. But i can tell you this: there will never be another person who loves you more than i do. I will put you first before myself. I will make sure you fine dine even if that means i eat dirt. I’d eat fertilizer if it means you can be satisfied. I would give my last ounce of blood to keep you alive just long enough to say you love me before i die. I love you so damn much it’s unbearable.

Tonight i fell so unbelievably in love with you all over again like the first time you told me you loved me in Key Biscayne. Today i remembered why i spent a year and some odd months trying to justify why i chose to stuck with you. Today i learned that as much as being single and living the life is fun, so is going home to someone you truly can talk to and have a normal conversation with. Today i gave away the side of me that told me i needed to be alone to have fun and be happy. Today i saw you for who you were: the only person in this entire world who loves me more than i could ever possibly love myself. I could never part with you, because i know i would be completely heart broken. And as much as this is corny, i want to spend the rest of my entire living life making you the happiest man in the world. I don’t want nor need anyone else but you and i learned that tonight. I can’t explain why, i can’t explain when, or how or what caused this. But i can tell you this: there will never be another person who loves you more than i do. I will put you first before myself. I will make sure you fine dine even if that means i eat dirt. I’d eat fertilizer if it means you can be satisfied. I would give my last ounce of blood to keep you alive just long enough to say you love me before i die. I love you so damn much it’s unbearable.

Learned this the hard way today.

The person who does not look for you, does not miss you. The person who does not fight for you, does not love you. And perhaps, never did from the get go.

I love you so fucking much. I’m sorry I’m such a mess. If i could I’d rewrite history like the butterfly effect and try my best to be the butterfly so we can fly away together. But sadly i am just a bug on the ground. Staring up into the sky so lonely and cold, wishing with all my might that i could be the perfect specimen that wouldn’t require much but love. I miss the warm touch and my heart and body are turning like warm and all i want is the hot touch of yours to remind me why you loved a broken piece of garbage like me. I’m sorry I’m not perfect but you make me feel more than that. I love you so much. Please see this. Because I’m nothing without you.

The blade.

What an odd title to choose. I didnt exactly think of that too long. It’s just a title of an object which brought me pain and joy in such an easy yet difficult ten minutes. I used to take a thrill off feeling the stinging and knowing a secret arose from inside the scarlet stained skin that plagued me. I had a senseless emotion with the well kept secret. I always thought i was an attention seeker. Until i realized attention for such a scandal was no attention whatsoever. It was a death wish. Blank stares, crimson looks, guilt ridden hearts. It comes with the audience. You stand up, attempting to cute yourself and the crowd of the odd ill feeling that something died a very long time ago. But you can’t. And they can’t. Because the stench of a horrible dead corpse that couldn’t be far from my beating chest was beginning to make you tear up like gas flooding you out of a burning building. I was a rotting corpse awaiting judgement and flies. I always hated flies. I envied how easily they could leap from scene to scene and never once catch as much attention as the rest of us. We’re all under a spotlight, a microscope. Trying to mend our lives or fix a broken glass or even going forward. But it’s so difficult when you constantly see yourself as public enemy number one and knowing there’s someone out there who hates you but you want to scream how no one in this world hates you as much as you hate yourself. How sickened you get from just looking at yourself and how anxious you feel to be anywhere but in front of a mirror having to face the part of you that has begun to rot. It’s so easy being you when you don’t have to worry who’s looking at you. Without having to see if you’re doing something wrong and make sure everyone approves. It’s so easy being perfect when no one expects you to be. But the moment the red flag comes up and you have to perform where someone else wants you to be, you’ll crack. And it won’t be small cracks. You’ll feel the force of a flood when the prison gates open and the water rushes forward greeting you like an old friend. I feel those waves drown me every night. And i try so very hard to keep my head above water. But sometimes there’s not a soul out to help you. You had to fend for yourself. Moral of the story is that when you feel like no one is there, you’re right. You are very alone in this life. And it’s going to be an eye opener when you realize that. No one can help you out of the ocean but yourself.

My guardian angel.

I never thought there was a possibility that I could ever find a place in my heart for anyone else. That there was even an empty crevice to fit someone else and their love story. I thought my time with love was over and I was leaving it on the side of the road. But there it sat and I couldn’t just leave him there. I looked him deep in the eyes and felt a respect I had long desired, an affection that had long alluded me, and a love that was strange to me. I didn’t walk into this expecting anything different but I didn’t walk into it expecting to feel the same. He is crazy, funny, random, and mine. And I don’t know who in the world let him go that God thought I deserved this perfect human being but he’s here. And he is the first person to understand why I wanna get my dads name on my wrist because every time I look down I see the cuts from the sorrow that ate away at my skin and I don’t wanna see that anymore. I wanna see ink, of his name where I can always tell people that he is my life line. They say one cut to your wrist ends your life. I wouldn’t even think about it, especially after having my dads name there. It would be like cutting him out. The first person to understand my pain and not scold me for it. Which is the toughest part because pain in everywhere and for me it is frequent. It’s the ocean I step in, the bed I lie in, the people I talk to. It’s the moment I go from one room to the next and it follows me like its searching for an answer that I just don’t have. But then I see him, and all pain evaporates into the sky and back with god. He is like the wind. Sometimes he’s quiet and he’s just not the sharpest to look at….that’s a joke by the way because he’s beautiful. I’ve never thought a guy could be beautiful but when I look at him, all I can think is he’s beautiful. He’s like the wind where you can’t see it, but you can feel it. And even when I can’t see him, he’s here with me. Every day, every moment. He cares about me like I’ve never known someone to be able to care about me before. I’ve been in some weird relationships but this one is my strangest. The love that it takes to really feel for someone broken has patience and time written all over it in ink tattooed onto animal skin paper. I am broken. And I am not easily repaired, Hell I don’t think I can be fixed. He’ll get mad, he won’t understand and he might walk away. But I know he won’t. I know I think of these things because I feel like he will because that’s what a broken mind does. It makes you think twice about the most beautiful things. And even though I’m afraid most of the time, I had a wake up call. I saw him for who he really was and he made my heart stop and beat and stop and beat again. He made me swoon and smile like I’ve never felt before. He gave me butterflies kisses that sent shivers down my spine to the end and down to my feet where even the ants at my toes could feel them. He doesn’t have to stay. But he does, because he is a real man. He doesn’t give up when the going gets tough. He doesn’t let someone go because they aren’t performing at their best. And he certainly doesn’t stop trying when there’s no more trying left to do. He gives it one more kick and everytime he does that, he pushes me right back into him as if he jumped over me and forced me into his arms again and I fall into them because that’s what I do best. I belong with him. And it’s risky to say it after only five months. But if in my innocence I thought I could be with someone forever after only one month, I think this is possible. There is something magical here and worthwhile that I didn’t think I would have found anywhere else. I am falling in love with this guy with the million dollar smile, who lights up a room if you give him some confidence, who can show you a good time and who can protect you with humor. There is no one on earth to possibly understand just how happy he makes me. Because nobody will understand how unhappy I used to be. And that is the point to my story. An unhappy beginning will always look sorry. You can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel so you settle for less than what you deserve. You think it’s better to be with someone who you think you love but treats you like the ground he steps on every day. But if you look closely and don’t settle for the trash seekers, you’ll find someone who will dig you from that bottom and make you a princess.

I love you, Michael Phillip Jimenez. And I think I always will. #july25

Death takes only the best.

Death marched up to him, smiled, and shook his hand. You were a brave soldier, said Death, I never expected you to be blown away by the fight. And the man simply shook his head with a sad sort of smile playing on his lips. His eyes were sparkling with unshed tears as he looked Death in the eye. You have been a very noble opponent and I was pleased to play this cat and mouse game, he whispered. Death is only the beginning. There is a world waiting for me where pain no longer exists and sorrow is but a whisper in time. No one speaks of what happens when you’re gone. And I can only recall memories of the ones who have gone before me. And as the man spoke those words, he looked into the distance and saw the family members and friends who had been long gone. The tears could not stop him from being strong for the ones left behind. He slowly took a breath as Death could only stare at the floor. I have battled for a very long time. Injuries, both physical and emotional. I have suffered many emotional stings and my life has ended in a less than perfect way. I have loved ones that I am leaving behind and my sorrow is beyond description. I know the empty loss that they will experience. I can understand why they would hate me or God or fate. And as he spoke those words, he turned around back at the world we was leaving behind. Tears streamed down his lively cheek as he whispered: I will not forget the ones who have stood by my struggle. And as death awaits, I will promise you a different forever….

For two years, I have silently struggled to accept death as a friend. Someone who did not wish pain upon me but a job for an old friend. You cannot stop Death from doing what he is supposed to do. But you can welcome him. God, fate, Death….whatever you believe is the reason other than science for the unexplainable passing of a loved one: the hardest battles and struggles are always given to those who won’t give up without a fight. And god wills you to believe in a stronger power, a stronger persona. He wills you to believe that although the battle is rough, you must continue. Although the heartache is great, you must believe that He needs an Angel. God only gives his toughest battles to those who can rise above the struggle and be braver than others. Who can establish hope for those who have lost their faith. I lost my Dad, my best friend, and the only man who I loved with a child’s innocence two years ago. And although I’ve been kicked to the dirt with my breath catching by the heart break in my cheat leaving me breathless….I have strived never to lose my faith. When I feel like I am being pushed to the ground, I continue to stand right back on both my feet. Time has proven to me that it will help you heal, but it can never erase the wounds nor make them sting any less. I have been a witness to the power of time. It moves and can make you forget what you’ve been grieving for. But time can never destroy a heart break where it stood. The heart is like a sculpture. You can fix the cracks as long as you want, but it will never be the same piece of art. It will always be broken.

I love you Papi, and everything I have done and will do for years to come is all because you taught me how to stand on both my feet and move forward. Everything you taught me: from how to swim to how to swim from the sorrow ripping me under the current. No one can take a Daddy’s place on his daughters heart. But God will always be there to fill in the cracks to feel whole again.

Decisions.

I spent my whole life basing every decision in how I felt. And I never questioned it. Because even if I was hurt I was doing exactly what made me happy at that moment. Maybe it was wrong but it taught me a lot of good, hard lessons. And I’ll always appreciate what my past did for me. But this is one moment where I’m not young anymore. And basing my decision on my feelings will likely hurt my heart and someone else’s. I waste time by clinging to my feelings. How do you turn your back on what you’ve been doing your whole life? It’s difficult. It makes you hurt just by thinking about it. But if I could put down the pros and cons of someone I was deeply in love with for two years, why can’t I do it now? Am I afraid of being alone? Is there a chance I don’t wanna hurt someone? There’s never a right answer. You’ll always make a mistake somewhere and nobody can be completely perfect. Which makes everything so much more difficult. But what do you do when you want something, someone, and your expectations were drained? What happens when you have to reevaluate the situation before things get sticky? It’s not an easy answer. And I don’t know when I can be sure. But I can’t be sure months from now when he’s falling for me. Maybe that won’t ever happen. And maybe I’m just trying for no reason and someday things will be answered for me. But until then, I’m sitting around like a waiting duck. And waiting is never a good option. This is my Big situation. Except my feelings were for AJL. But now I’m stuck in a commitment phobic relationship, where I’m the one trying to rid his feelings. I feel distraught and lost. I don’t even know what I’m gonna do. But this weekend is when I will think it through.

Broke the chain of bad luck with a hammer.

I’m not angry anymore. I don’t hate you anymore. I don’t wish the worst, and I definitely hope you find someone equal to you. I used to believe in a simple concept. I used to believe love was innocent. I used to believe love was simple and fragile and if you held it too long, you’d be lost in the dust of what you portrayed to be a broken fragment of something you thought you could change. Love isn’t easy. You can be hurt, and you can encounter deadly circumstances. I used to think you were the definition of love. And I used to think you would change. That’s what love does to you, right? It makes you think you can change the world with just one touch, and that the person you love will change because your love drove them towards that. Which makes you do crazy things. It changes who YOU are, not the other way around. We imagine love is so easy and at the will of your heart….the person loves you back. And it’s enough for their blind eyes to finally see light. But nobody explains to you that love is hard. It hurts and you might not always come out alive. It took two years of a war I believed with all my heart I could win. I won battles, but behind all of it, I was losing the war. And I was injured waiting for a miracle to happen. But it didn’t come. I gave up who I was to sign a peace treaty with you that didn’t come out as I expected. I was the one lied to, and manipulated. All in the name of love. But even the best wars are fought for love. The love of ones beliefs, the love of ones country, the love of the people in the country. Every war has even the slightest clue for love. One reason is small enough. I fought for so long I forgot why I was fighting I gave up. My heart will bleed, but it won’t break anymore. I became the iron man in this war. Where I could be hit but never injured. I am grateful, you taught me lessons that nobody else could teach me. And I found someone to fight for me, too. Love used to be foreign, and for once in my life again I remembered how to love.

SN: Friendship.

There isn’t a real easy way to start out this kind of writing. I’ve written so many times about how unforgiving people in this world can really be. And I’ve come across people who I knew would screw me over eventually, if I ever were to have my back turned. I always had friends come in who would be quick to push me under a moving bus if it meant saving themselves. And I always knew people were horrible, cruel, and they weren’t easy to deal with. But I always had faith. I had faith because of God and because of the one friend in my life that always kept me afloat. She understood, and she pretended to like what I liked and at some point we both ended up having similar interests. We did everything together, for five years. We were inseperable, and people could point us out together in a crowd. High school is about finding who you are, realizing who your real friends are, and for discovering the meaning of a lot of different things. I spent four years just content with my life because I had one person that was rock solid. I never had a reason to doubt. I always felt the truth was there. Being friends with someone you think is true but ends up screwing you over: that has come to be the hardest thing I think I’ve ever dealt with. I’ve had family members die, family problems, almost been kicked out, been heart broken numerous times, screwed over more times to count. But nothing tops this. I had faith for so many years because I had someone who made me feel safe. That anybody else could come and go, but she would always stay. I had faith, and now it feels like i’ve been stabbed in the back. Like a part of me is missing, a part I’ve held on for so long that it feels as if I’ll never be whole again. And as dramatic as it sounds, I don’t care. I’m a human being, with a huge heart. And it’s been broken and stabbed and hurt so many times that I was so close to giving up on everything. But I always had someone to bring me back from the dead. I always had that one safe zone. I find out it’s all fake, that everything was a lie, I get pushed to the curb, and a part of me feels missing. And that’s the worst feeling a person could ever have. I thought for a long time I could keep being positive and have hope…..now I’m not so sure anymore. Everything now feels like I have to question it. Every relationship, friendship, person who comes into my life: I feel the need to question them. I don’t have trust, and for people like HER. It’s because of them: my ex, my ex friends, the people who broke my heart, who hurt me in the past, the people from school, the rumors, the hatred for no reason, etc. All of that has given me a high view. The wall I put up to prevent myself from getting hurt has really weighed me down. I wish I could fall asleep, dream of the beautiful things in life. Pretend I’m not surrounded by a cloud of evil and of regret. I want to pretend I’m not stuck in a world where people hurt each other, or stab their backs. I want to hurt someone, I want to close myself off. This is it. It took five years, a bunch of heart breaks, a bunch of lost friends, and all but ONE person made me change the way I look at this world. I’m finally done being nice.