It’s honestly depressing how mean people are to each other for no reason. But it’s okay, cause bitch I’ll get back at you. And you’ll know it’s me that screwed your life up. Don’t ever take my friendship for granted. I’ll rip your happiness to shreds using your own insecurities that you’ll cry for days. :*

imthatfucking-king-angie:

19-o1:

Preeaaaachhhhhh

Nope nope nope nope nope nope no no no no no no no no


If my boyfriend told me this shit or even a guy im talking to, I’d end up on the news for murdering them both for even coming up with this bitch idea.

imthatfucking-king-angie:

19-o1:

Preeaaaachhhhhh

Nope nope nope nope nope nope no no no no no no no no

If my boyfriend told me this shit or even a guy im talking to, I’d end up on the news for murdering them both for even coming up with this bitch idea.

The moment my medication is the one thing I’m looking forward to at the end of the day is the moment I need to count down to my vacation.

ashhhlaaay:

I always have to sacrifice my happines, don’t I? There’s not an option for what I want. I have to sacrifice being happy to make someone else happy. So why do I feel selfish for feeling the way I do? I have no choice. It’s either do what I want and lose my relationship or do whatever he wants, be…

Everything.

Ive made my title as such only because I feel like I’ve gotten so little out of everything I’ve done. I’ve given myself such easy goals and completed them with little enthusiasm or appreciation of life. I feel broken still. And I have no one to share it with. There’s no one who understands my broken heart or broken mind. I feel like I’ll never get out of this. I don’t know how to explain to people that my mind is ticking away slowly. I can’t tell anyone because there isn’t a soul left who understands what my heart feels. It’s causing me to sink deeper and deeper into myself. And I have no idea how to get out. Lord knows, I’ve kept my enthusiasm at a high point to make myself seem approachable. Even by people who are supposed to love and adore me no matter the bad times. But it feels so tiring pretending I’m happy when in fact I’m not. All I want is to feel normal. Like there’s a reason to what’s going on around me. I feel useless when I’m alone. And its beginning to feel tortourous when I shouldn’t feel this way. I don’t know why I cant get myself out of this. I don’t know why I can’t just escape my own mind. But the storm is getting worse and my heart is sinking along with it. And I can’t imagine a soul on this world that will be more tortured to see me this way than my love. But I can’t pretend I’m happy when I’m not. It feels like I’m faking my own happiness. And I don’t want to do that anymore. Why cant this be easier? Why isn’t there someone who wants to hear me instead of just telling me it’ll be fine or don’t feel that way? What can I do to finally feel normal? I can’t seem to find the answer. And the only one who knows what’s happening is me. And I cant even begin to explain….

Black hole.

I’ve been letting myself sink into a deep black hole for a while now. I’ve let myself go down deeper and deeper without thinking of the consequences. I’ve let my mind go on its own. I didn’t grab the reigns and remind myself I’m in control. I’ve been losing control of the very thing I’ve always told myself I control: my happiness. And the moment I forgot that, I let things get out of hand. Ive let relationships sink, I’ve let things go, I’ve forgotten who I am. It’s not fair to myself or to those around me who love me. It took me this point where I’m sitting waiting to go into work, realizing just how much I am blessed in this life. I’ve let my own black uncontrollable hole give me a false advertisement of what my life is and can be. I’ve forgotten the true blessings of what being alive meant. I’ve taken advantage of the love people have for me. It’s gotten me to a low point right now. And I couldn’t feel worse about it. But I think I can overcome this. Scratch that. I know I can. My dad didn’t raise a weakling who can’t get this on her own. I forget how much of a Leo I really am. And how strong I can be. I’ve lost more in this life besides just my psyche. I’ve lost things that were dear to me that should have killed me at such a young age. But it didn’t. And I know this won’t kill me. I’ll pull myself out of this whether it kills me to do so. I will make sure my head comes back to the light. I was doing so good. Where I went wrong, I couldn’t tell you. But I won’t keep going down that road. I will keep myself afloat. For my sake and for my loved ones sake. But mostly, for the people I’ve made unhappy allowing myself to sink while they have latched themselves on to save them and myself. I’m sorry. I’ll do better for you.

The blade.

What an odd title to choose. I didnt exactly think of that too long. It’s just a title of an object which brought me pain and joy in such an easy yet difficult ten minutes. I used to take a thrill off feeling the stinging and knowing a secret arose from inside the scarlet stained skin that plagued me. I had a senseless emotion with the well kept secret. I always thought i was an attention seeker. Until i realized attention for such a scandal was no attention whatsoever. It was a death wish. Blank stares, crimson looks, guilt ridden hearts. It comes with the audience. You stand up, attempting to cute yourself and the crowd of the odd ill feeling that something died a very long time ago. But you can’t. And they can’t. Because the stench of a horrible dead corpse that couldn’t be far from my beating chest was beginning to make you tear up like gas flooding you out of a burning building. I was a rotting corpse awaiting judgement and flies. I always hated flies. I envied how easily they could leap from scene to scene and never once catch as much attention as the rest of us. We’re all under a spotlight, a microscope. Trying to mend our lives or fix a broken glass or even going forward. But it’s so difficult when you constantly see yourself as public enemy number one and knowing there’s someone out there who hates you but you want to scream how no one in this world hates you as much as you hate yourself. How sickened you get from just looking at yourself and how anxious you feel to be anywhere but in front of a mirror having to face the part of you that has begun to rot. It’s so easy being you when you don’t have to worry who’s looking at you. Without having to see if you’re doing something wrong and make sure everyone approves. It’s so easy being perfect when no one expects you to be. But the moment the red flag comes up and you have to perform where someone else wants you to be, you’ll crack. And it won’t be small cracks. You’ll feel the force of a flood when the prison gates open and the water rushes forward greeting you like an old friend. I feel those waves drown me every night. And i try so very hard to keep my head above water. But sometimes there’s not a soul out to help you. You had to fend for yourself. Moral of the story is that when you feel like no one is there, you’re right. You are very alone in this life. And it’s going to be an eye opener when you realize that. No one can help you out of the ocean but yourself.

My guardian angel.

I never thought there was a possibility that I could ever find a place in my heart for anyone else. That there was even an empty crevice to fit someone else and their love story. I thought my time with love was over and I was leaving it on the side of the road. But there it sat and I couldn’t just leave him there. I looked him deep in the eyes and felt a respect I had long desired, an affection that had long alluded me, and a love that was strange to me. I didn’t walk into this expecting anything different but I didn’t walk into it expecting to feel the same. He is crazy, funny, random, and mine. And I don’t know who in the world let him go that God thought I deserved this perfect human being but he’s here. And he is the first person to understand why I wanna get my dads name on my wrist because every time I look down I see the cuts from the sorrow that ate away at my skin and I don’t wanna see that anymore. I wanna see ink, of his name where I can always tell people that he is my life line. They say one cut to your wrist ends your life. I wouldn’t even think about it, especially after having my dads name there. It would be like cutting him out. The first person to understand my pain and not scold me for it. Which is the toughest part because pain in everywhere and for me it is frequent. It’s the ocean I step in, the bed I lie in, the people I talk to. It’s the moment I go from one room to the next and it follows me like its searching for an answer that I just don’t have. But then I see him, and all pain evaporates into the sky and back with god. He is like the wind. Sometimes he’s quiet and he’s just not the sharpest to look at….that’s a joke by the way because he’s beautiful. I’ve never thought a guy could be beautiful but when I look at him, all I can think is he’s beautiful. He’s like the wind where you can’t see it, but you can feel it. And even when I can’t see him, he’s here with me. Every day, every moment. He cares about me like I’ve never known someone to be able to care about me before. I’ve been in some weird relationships but this one is my strangest. The love that it takes to really feel for someone broken has patience and time written all over it in ink tattooed onto animal skin paper. I am broken. And I am not easily repaired, Hell I don’t think I can be fixed. He’ll get mad, he won’t understand and he might walk away. But I know he won’t. I know I think of these things because I feel like he will because that’s what a broken mind does. It makes you think twice about the most beautiful things. And even though I’m afraid most of the time, I had a wake up call. I saw him for who he really was and he made my heart stop and beat and stop and beat again. He made me swoon and smile like I’ve never felt before. He gave me butterflies kisses that sent shivers down my spine to the end and down to my feet where even the ants at my toes could feel them. He doesn’t have to stay. But he does, because he is a real man. He doesn’t give up when the going gets tough. He doesn’t let someone go because they aren’t performing at their best. And he certainly doesn’t stop trying when there’s no more trying left to do. He gives it one more kick and everytime he does that, he pushes me right back into him as if he jumped over me and forced me into his arms again and I fall into them because that’s what I do best. I belong with him. And it’s risky to say it after only five months. But if in my innocence I thought I could be with someone forever after only one month, I think this is possible. There is something magical here and worthwhile that I didn’t think I would have found anywhere else. I am falling in love with this guy with the million dollar smile, who lights up a room if you give him some confidence, who can show you a good time and who can protect you with humor. There is no one on earth to possibly understand just how happy he makes me. Because nobody will understand how unhappy I used to be. And that is the point to my story. An unhappy beginning will always look sorry. You can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel so you settle for less than what you deserve. You think it’s better to be with someone who you think you love but treats you like the ground he steps on every day. But if you look closely and don’t settle for the trash seekers, you’ll find someone who will dig you from that bottom and make you a princess.

I love you, Michael Phillip Jimenez. And I think I always will. #july25

Death takes only the best.

Death marched up to him, smiled, and shook his hand. You were a brave soldier, said Death, I never expected you to be blown away by the fight. And the man simply shook his head with a sad sort of smile playing on his lips. His eyes were sparkling with unshed tears as he looked Death in the eye. You have been a very noble opponent and I was pleased to play this cat and mouse game, he whispered. Death is only the beginning. There is a world waiting for me where pain no longer exists and sorrow is but a whisper in time. No one speaks of what happens when you’re gone. And I can only recall memories of the ones who have gone before me. And as the man spoke those words, he looked into the distance and saw the family members and friends who had been long gone. The tears could not stop him from being strong for the ones left behind. He slowly took a breath as Death could only stare at the floor. I have battled for a very long time. Injuries, both physical and emotional. I have suffered many emotional stings and my life has ended in a less than perfect way. I have loved ones that I am leaving behind and my sorrow is beyond description. I know the empty loss that they will experience. I can understand why they would hate me or God or fate. And as he spoke those words, he turned around back at the world we was leaving behind. Tears streamed down his lively cheek as he whispered: I will not forget the ones who have stood by my struggle. And as death awaits, I will promise you a different forever….

For two years, I have silently struggled to accept death as a friend. Someone who did not wish pain upon me but a job for an old friend. You cannot stop Death from doing what he is supposed to do. But you can welcome him. God, fate, Death….whatever you believe is the reason other than science for the unexplainable passing of a loved one: the hardest battles and struggles are always given to those who won’t give up without a fight. And god wills you to believe in a stronger power, a stronger persona. He wills you to believe that although the battle is rough, you must continue. Although the heartache is great, you must believe that He needs an Angel. God only gives his toughest battles to those who can rise above the struggle and be braver than others. Who can establish hope for those who have lost their faith. I lost my Dad, my best friend, and the only man who I loved with a child’s innocence two years ago. And although I’ve been kicked to the dirt with my breath catching by the heart break in my cheat leaving me breathless….I have strived never to lose my faith. When I feel like I am being pushed to the ground, I continue to stand right back on both my feet. Time has proven to me that it will help you heal, but it can never erase the wounds nor make them sting any less. I have been a witness to the power of time. It moves and can make you forget what you’ve been grieving for. But time can never destroy a heart break where it stood. The heart is like a sculpture. You can fix the cracks as long as you want, but it will never be the same piece of art. It will always be broken.

I love you Papi, and everything I have done and will do for years to come is all because you taught me how to stand on both my feet and move forward. Everything you taught me: from how to swim to how to swim from the sorrow ripping me under the current. No one can take a Daddy’s place on his daughters heart. But God will always be there to fill in the cracks to feel whole again.

Decisions.

I spent my whole life basing every decision in how I felt. And I never questioned it. Because even if I was hurt I was doing exactly what made me happy at that moment. Maybe it was wrong but it taught me a lot of good, hard lessons. And I’ll always appreciate what my past did for me. But this is one moment where I’m not young anymore. And basing my decision on my feelings will likely hurt my heart and someone else’s. I waste time by clinging to my feelings. How do you turn your back on what you’ve been doing your whole life? It’s difficult. It makes you hurt just by thinking about it. But if I could put down the pros and cons of someone I was deeply in love with for two years, why can’t I do it now? Am I afraid of being alone? Is there a chance I don’t wanna hurt someone? There’s never a right answer. You’ll always make a mistake somewhere and nobody can be completely perfect. Which makes everything so much more difficult. But what do you do when you want something, someone, and your expectations were drained? What happens when you have to reevaluate the situation before things get sticky? It’s not an easy answer. And I don’t know when I can be sure. But I can’t be sure months from now when he’s falling for me. Maybe that won’t ever happen. And maybe I’m just trying for no reason and someday things will be answered for me. But until then, I’m sitting around like a waiting duck. And waiting is never a good option. This is my Big situation. Except my feelings were for AJL. But now I’m stuck in a commitment phobic relationship, where I’m the one trying to rid his feelings. I feel distraught and lost. I don’t even know what I’m gonna do. But this weekend is when I will think it through.